Learn to say no in 10 minutes

“Just saying yes because you cant bear the short-term pain of saying no is not going to help you do the work”, said Seth Godin, an American author and former dot com business executive.

That’s a statement I totally agree with. Not saying no even at times when you should, would just make things harder for you. You might have already gone through a lot of trouble just because you said yes. Right? Maybe you yearned to say no . But ultimately gave in , because of the teeny-weeny voice inside your mind. It made you believe that if you say no, others will perceive you as a selfish-giant.

But have being a yeasayer done you any good?

Remember the number of weekends you lost and the uncomfortable situations you have faced already. All because you said were not able to utter the word “no”.

Imagine an alternate reality. There you are not a yeasayer. You refuse to do things that are not in your best interests. Isn’t your life a bit easier there?

The truth is, your life can actually be like that (if that’s what you truly want). Being acquiescent is just a habit , which can be overcome with a little bit of effort on your side. Why am i so confident about it? Because i was an yeasayer myself.

I used to say yes to almost anything ( no not “anything”) and my peers liked me for that because i was helpful to them but this reason was not worth enough for me to continue being a yeasayer.

Every time I promised myself that, this is gonna be the last time I am giving in so easily. But those promises were not respected enough. And that’s why I always ended up in an uncomfortable situation.

But something happened then. It was a Sunday afternoon, and as usual i was reading a novel . the protagonist of the story had just leaned to kiss his gorgeous princess and right then , my pants started vibrating, oh wait it was my phone. I had earlier set it on vibration mode.

I picked up the call. My friend Arnav was on the other side (who was working on a project with me).Before i could have uttered a single word, he asked me the cruelest question a friend can ask you. He asked me whether I can do his part of the work as he was planning to go on a vacation trip to Bali. Why Arnav , how could you ask such a question? But regardless of how deeply I desired to say no ,I said yes A.G.A.I.N.

Arnav was ,obviously , overjoyed but I was not happy at all. This one yes was going to cost me my weekends. I thought about this for hours.I wanted to call him up and say “I cant do it” but he was one of my closest friends and i really didn’t want to lose his friendship. But I had to say no. I couldn’t let this happen to me over and over again, Right?

So, I gathered up all my courage and called him up. As the phone was ringing , I thought about the numerous consequences this call can have, and all bad. But when the call was finally picked up, I told him as politely as i could have that,”See brother , I know I have said yes to you earlier but when I gave it a second thought I realized I really cant help you , its a lot of work for me to do alone” , I waited for him to hang up the call or get angry t me, but the response I got was totally different, he just said,” Its totally fine brother, I will go next summer”.

That was the time when I realized that the only barrier that was stopping me from saying no was my mind. So, the only thing I had to do was overcome the mental barriers. Sounds easy right? I thought the same but unfortunately its not THAT easy.

I googled for ways and I found many but I was too lazy to put any of them to action. Then I bought a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane and there I stumbled across many ways to overcome mental barriers and those were the ones I tried myself (as the book cost me money) . Among those I found a really interesting method that you can perform and experience the change almost immediately.Its caled the Responsibility Transfer.

What you have to do in this method is:

  • First close your eyes and take two deep breaths.
  • Then visualize an entity you believe in. It can be God or the universe or any other entity.
  • Now visualize lifting your stress, tension nervousness and the consequences of your actions.
  • Now handover all that to that entity.

When i tried this visualization i felt a great relief like i was carrying one of those barrels of wine and now I have handed it over to someone who will securely take the barrel where it is meant to be.

This method works as a placebo effect. A placebo is an inert treatment that has no effect of itself but the person on whom it is used believes that they have received a true treatment and their brains release a natural painkiller.

Responsibility transfer gives immediate results but the effect stays for a short period of time only.

Now you are well equipped to overcome your mental barriers. “Love yourself enough to set boundaries.Your time and energy are precious.You get to choose how you use it.You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and wont accept.” said Anna Taylor, renowned author from New Zealand .So from next time, refuse anyone who dosen’t have your best interests in mind.

How to become more Charismatic Instantly

“‘ It’s 1983.Apple computers is 4 years old.Steve Jobs is a long haired wunderkind building revolutionary tech.But he has a problem.He lacks the training or the image to sell his new technology to corporate America.

Enter John Sculley ,the youngest ever President of Pepsi.He has the training,experience and relationships Steve needs to market Apple’s products.He is Steve Job’s number one pick to be Apple’s CEO.

And….he just denied Steve’s request to come work at Apple.

Steve is dressed in his signature turtle neck and running shoes.He glances at the floor then up at Sculley,who just rebuffed him.He looks straight into Sculley’s eyes and asks “Do you want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life or do you want to come with me and change the world?”

A few weeks later John Sculley leaves his post at Pepsi and joins Apple as CEO .”‘ (Context from the book Charisma on Command by Charlie Houpert).

Isn’t this very awry that John Sculley who was the darling of the business world and could have joined any company he desired joined a new born company like Apple?

Well it was actually not the company that urged Sculley to join . It was Steve Job’s intense charisma which Sculley wasn’t able to resist.

And you can attain the same level of charisma. All you have to do the exercises in here with absolute integrity. But its not THAT EASY otherwise this world would have been full of Steve Jobs and Bill Clintons.

A common misconception is that , you are either born charismatic or not. Bill Clinton ,the most charismatic Us president, wasn’t always that charismatic and appealing. Clinton seemingly decided at an early age that to deal with the myriad issues thrown at him in his life ,he should become charismatic. He decided to be charismatic to prevent himself from facing further injury or personal humiliation.

So as you can see charisma is learnable skill which you can develop as well.

Developing Conviction

To master charisma the very first thing you need to develop is conviction. Conviction means having absolute faith and confidence in whatever you are doing . When you are confident ,people around you will feel it and the same thing happens when you are doubtful about yourself.

The thing is , you cannot fake confidence, it has to be real. Fake confidence eludes when faced by some excruciating situation.

To develop confidence naturally, perform this simple exercise:

  1. Find a calm place and relax yourself first.
  2. Now close your eyes and take a deep breath and then think of an instance when you last felt confident or achieved something or were praised by others. Remember the faces of the people around you and relive the experience . At the end of the visualization make your winning gesture. May be its simple fisting or putting your hands up or just a winning cry.

This is the same method used by Tony Robbins and many other great speakers and CEOs to boost their confidence level before delivering speeches and important presentations.

There is no magic in this. Instead , there is a proven scientific explanation . After performing the above exercise , large amount of adrenaline is released by the adrenal glands. The adrenaline released makes you highly energetic and more confident ,almost instantly.

Develop The Charismatic POSTURE

Olivia Fox Cabane in her book , the Charisma Myth has told a story , of Norma Jean Baker ,well known by her stage name :Marilyn Monroe.

“‘ She is walking in NYC with a photographer .Norma Jean wants to prove she can turn “Marilyn Monroe” on and off as she pleases.

She walks into the subway , sits down. No one notices. She rides a few stops and patrols the streets . No one cares.

“Okay , do you want to see her?” she asks the photographer.

Within seconds of finishing her sentence people mob her. They’re star struck and ravenous. After just a few minutes , the photographer and Monroe have to escape into a car to avoid the throng of people clamoring for a glimpse.”‘

How dis she do it? Well she simply changed her posture . Earlier she was walking with a hunched posture. To transform into Marilyn Monroe, she straightened her back , held her chin a little higher than normal and pulled her shoulders back, that’s all.

Our posture has a great impact on how people perceive us. That’s why it’s really important to be in the right posture all the time. But , thanks to the computer, our posture is garbage.

As a result of sitting tight in one place for hours, most of us have developed a hunched posture. And this makes others perceive us as a person full of insecurities.

Studies have shown that, a hunched posture makes us feel weak and also affects our confidence level negatively.

There are 2 ways you can develop a charismatic posture.

The first one is hitting the gym, doing stretching exercises and lifting correctly. And , its gonna take time but who has time. You are busy, I am busy , we are all busy .And also you are here because you want to become charismatic as fast possible . So lets drop the first way and move on to the 2nd method which is a lot easier and tempting.

The 2nd way is just practicing the charismatic posture.Here is the exercise you have to perform daily for a minimum of 10 minutes:

  1. Visualize yourself as an renowned actor and you are at an award function . Your name has just been called out for the best actor of the year. See the people around you , their facial expressions.
  2. Now see yourself walking on the red carpet , surging towards the stage . But would a celebrity walk like a commoner? Obviously not. So how would you walk like a celebrity? Well , its pretty simple : Pull your shoulders back, raise your chin a little higher than usual and put a natural smile on your face and that’s all.

After the visualization you have to practice walking like this.

Lets now recall what you have learnt so far:

  1. You got to know that what is charisma and why is it important.
  2. You learnt a way to level up your confidence.
  3. you learnt how to develop the charismatic posture.

Just like fitness charisma also demands for some maintenance. You stop exercising and following a healthy diet, you will soon be out of shape. So, you have to do the exercises daily or you will relapse into the ” NOT SO CHARISMATIC” version of yourself.

Here’s a tip for you: If you have an important event to attend where you have to be charismatic, try to avoid those people who makes fun of you even in jest. Listen to music that lifts your spirits and fills you with energy. if possible , hang out with someone you love and who respects you .

You have acquired the tools to become charismatic and more confident almost instantly. Use them to mold other’s perception of you.

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